small victories

remember the feeling of being immensely free? free from stress....pressure....stares....duties....stuidies... or demands? just free... with absolutely NOTHING to do! well... the lasssst time i remembered that feeling was... in form three. after PMR. i had a hell-like year.

finally, after nearly five years later, i got it once again. and darn.... it feels soooo good! i've applied for a month's leave from my company... so i'm free from any office duties! woohoo~! and i'm off to KL again for Chinese New Year! i've been shopping depriaved in KK... so... shopping sprees and family quality time! here i come! haha~

i know the feeling of absolute helplessness. absolute despair... and i know absolute happiness. even if its only for a little while. i think its those small lil things that really matter in life. i rather have LOTS of small victories... than a few major ones. i believe that in my life, lots of small victories are awaiting. from perfect happy endings to beautiful disasters.

dead lazy

come to think about it. Ron is right about loads of stuff. its pretty obvious. i just want a straight answer. i absolutely hate to wait or try guessing. Olivia is sumone i respect. ALOT. for her courage... i know i dun have that courage i need so much like she has got in that particular sector. hahah~ then theres Ben which... well, wish all the best and am glad fer him ;) i'm taking it slow... though i admit i do regret rejecting one of my good friend... *evil thoughts* shud have just kept him as back up.... DARNIT! kekeke~

first two exam papers were... to say the least, tolerable. or more like... survivable... or... i-think-i-will-come-out-alive? i'm jsut soooo worried abt the other papers... like QS?! OMGGGG.... not too worked up fer macro... since i'm okay with it. heheh! no grudges with it. relatively easy compared to the rest. argh! BORE ME!

i nearly got into an accident. THREE TIMES. first one was one the way to college this morn! with an oil tanker... sum idiot wudnt lemme cut in, so... i took the offense. and then it was on the way home after the exams, stupid effing lorry didnt indicate that he was coming out unto the highway. so i sudenly stepped on the brakes... and yea... the car practically burned its pretty wheels...*SCREEECH*. then the final one? i was on the third lane of a highway and the idiot from the second lane wants to cut another two lanes to his left to a small road on the OOOOOTher side. i had to step on it to avoid the mad van... i'm getting worked up. or mad? whichever more suitable or preferable .... blek

2nd

i was sooo desperate to go fer badminton. actually, it wasnt because it was badminton. i just wanted to go out with frens and have fun. i just needed an outlet... so i had to reli push my girlfriends to go... the guys? well, they're easy to persuade... unless its the excuse of being sick. kekekek! so i got evelyn, christy,fusion and loong! then Ron and Zavier went along as well! *big smile*

it was more of just enjoying the company and loosening some muscles. while having a bite at Damai, Zavier was impressing evelyn with some magic tricks. he's pretty good actually. with a fifty cent coin. he even made evelyn believe he can fly by imitating David Blaine's stunt. John, another interesting fello from another institute started talking to me about national service (thanks to my Tshirt i wore fer badminton). it was fun to think back and tell a stranger abt the good times i had there.

i cant wait till exams over to go back to KL and just enjoy life for a little while. thats before i break the news to my parents that i screwed a subject up for good in year one. gowsh... i can already picture the scene of nagging and tsk-ing. argh... the absolute agony.

pick a tutu?

gotta focus! f-o-c-u-s! arghhhhh.... of all subjects to screw up, it had to be accounts! yes, i've always hated accounts. all the figures and formats can drive anyone (except for those nerds... ahem! sorry! heehe) over the cliff to their watery deathbed down below. i wouldnt mind if it was any other subject. really. cudnt it be english? hahaha~ it would definitely be more tolerable. i hate the lectures, the tutorials, the extra classes... tests! exams! argh...

i cried after that. i didnt know how i started ... but i knew i was actually talking to olivia and evelyn. i had just turned away from bumping into the two irritating lil gurls who backstabbed me... okay~that is NOT the point! hahah~ then i started crying. and Prinz was there too. being the sweetie, he tried to cheer me up. and my best buds, well, they did the same... gosh. i love them lots. *hugs*

i am actually feeling hyper.... don't i always? i guess... thats just me handling the news. maybe i will feel really bad/sad after a day or two. then i can really say, AW SHYT! EFFFF! AHHHH! *refer to this post Must Do - Self Denial lines for more*

gotta forget! F-O-R-G-E-T! really have to. no joke. this is really messing up my plans. to forget this, is to pass my examinations and graduate from college as fast as possible. forget wad? yes... i shud forget i ever liked a blur and indecisive fello. i mean, how much more blur can a guy get?! do i have to spell it out? gosh... hahah~ it wud save me the heartache and time. at the same time, i shud have just accepted the musical guy that had been always there fer me. i regret rejecting him... now we're back to normal friends but with abit of awkwardness... like they say,"cant have the cake and eat it."

fallen

now i know how naive i was back in semester one... when i thought everyone was friends with everyone else. i was totally oblivious of the bad stuff goin on behind the scenes.

sigh... like i said before... being backstabbed wasnt in the plan(or in anyone else's) cuz i've made sure that i am being reli careful and nice since i came here. the odd thing is being attacked personally rather than character. i've always accepted criticism or opinions based upon my character or acts. but to criticise on my management skills is really unacceptable when i've been a leader for...as long as i can remember? in school and out.

i'm not angry... just confused. i want my mistakes and weaknesses pointed out right now since they've started it. i've always been naturally curious. so i dun think i can be blamed for wanting to know wad they saw in me to say such things.

i don wanna take sides. but i find that i already am. i follow my heart... and i believe that he wudnt lie to me. there is proof and people backing wad he said about those who backstabbed me. yet those two show absolutely no contrition to wad they've done. still they talk and laugh with me in class as though they dunno wad they've done is wrong. if i tell them or confront them, i noe i will lose it whether they tell the truth or lie.

must do-

Eight Self Denial Lines often used
8. This is not God's will...
7. I knew it from the start this wasn't gonna work...
6. Moving on now. no big deal...
5. I still have a chance. I'll just try harder tomorrow...
4. He’s playing hard to get...
3. I'm fine.
2. I didn't pray hard enough...
1. I'm actually in a nightmare, waking up any moment now...


Eight things I plan to do before I die:
1. Own a hotel
2. Join the mayhem inside the parliament debate!
3. Meet Pak Lah and give him a piece of my mind
4. Learn how to play ‘chow dai di’ without help
5. Read the whole bible
6. Drive a Bentley/Rolls Royce
7. Travel and see the Seven Wonders of the World!
8. Tell that special person… “ I hate u…but u noe I’m lying XP” heheh

Eight things I could do:
1. Sleep like a pig
2. Laugh like a witch
3. Think like a kid
4. Go absolutely hyper
5. Scream really loud
6. shop till I drop
7. reorganize my life
8. spend more time with family

Eight Celebrity crushes:
1. Chad Michael Murray
2. Ian Somerhalder
3. Hugh Laurie
4. Shane West
5. Josh Holloway
6. Micheal Rosenbaum
7. Ashton Kutcher
8. Johnny Depp

Eight often repeated words:
1. huh?
2. tsk!
3. waat?!
4. ohmigosh~
5. oookay
6. harhar~yea right..
7. amen
8. ya lah~ ya lah~

Eight physical traits I look for in the opposite sex:
1.height… gotta b taller than me
2.squared shoulders
3.pretty eyes
4.is hair a physical trait?
5.sexy lips (haahaa)
6.rugged beard
7.cute butt? *I’m running out of ideas!
8. argh! I giv up! I don't exactly look at the persons face.. it's like 20% of my requirements!

bummer~

i think this shows how i feel right now... kekekee

i'm not in the least an overconfident,whiny or snotty lil princess (am i?) BUT! i'm darn determined when i'm gonna complain. i'll make sure that person will listen, not just HEAR... but LISTEN to every word i have in mind.

ok... straight to the bugger... what i really want to complain now is... my english lecturer. wtf la... WHY? why is he still teaching us secondary school stuff?! past present and future tenses!? sentence connectors!? verbs and nouns?! EVERYTIME i enter class... i'm ready to fall into (almost) immediate irritated,troubled,annoyed and very disturbed slumber.

i expected classes to be interesting (not boring), challenging (not dreary) and gratifying (not unpleasant)!!! i must have missed out on checking the english syllabus when i entered this college! all i was worried about was - how am i going to survive accounts,economics and business math!? now... i have to worry, is this lecturer helping me in revision? or hoping its just enough to get a pass? i might not need to worry TOO much (i'm still a lil worried) for myself, but! wat about the others!? those who aren't english educated?! i dun believe he is of much help when it comes to increasing their range of vocabulary or loving/understanding this language. its amazing how i've suddenly come to dread english classes. EVEN if there was a debate or a presentation!

back then, i would go all hyper, jumping for joy and be filled with excitement when told to represent the group,class or school /prepare for a debate or public speaking competition/ forum and group discussions. now i just roll my eyes, yawn... * thunk* head on the desk, listening to the mp3 or pretend to be listening but am reli just figuring out my activities for later...

the lecturer is either trying to lighten his workload (if there is actually any!~) or he really thinks we're stupid -.-'' it'd better not be the latter.

intersection...

i wish college would simply mean, a formal and simple place to further studies WITHOUT the complications of friends and silly lovey-dovey baggage. MUST it come as a package?! i'm tired of it.. honestly, may i have a refund? or just revert me back to the basic! i dont want the premium anymore!

i wish i was a small lil kid all over again. naive and oblivious to the any happenings in the world. somehow selfishly absorbed in my own perfect lil world. i never needed to worry about hurting others or being hurt.

" ... do u see him ever admitting the same feelings u freely show? if not, walk away now..." to quote Maximus, my very own genius of a friend. talking to u on the phone is enough somehow... enuff to make me feel that the world isnt too bad for a while.

i miss my best bud Ben... but reli... even a phonecall isnt enuff... meeting him wud need more than a day to get SOME of the things that hv been stuck in our hearts for a reli long time, to start spilling. for now, i just need these two as pillars.

unless things change... unless prayers are answered... unless... yes,Mark, unless i make the pig/warthog swim. and unless the guy suddenly developed sufficient guts to make him worthy of a man :)

battered down

had a reli boring day in college. dunno why but... i wasnt enthusiastic... some college mates are missing cuz exams coming reli soon. oh gosh... i'm so not into sitting for exams but yeah, i dun hv a choice.

spoke to Wing this morning in the car and during breakfast and found that... i was backstabbed. i'm not surprised by whom. but i'm just hurt by what they've said. i've tried my best and yet... the people i need the most support does this to me. i'm amazed that the people i least expect to gain support were the ones who stood up for me.

i made a promise to change for the better three years ago. i believe i have changed alot since then... i'm not perfect.. nor will i ever be... but with this happening, i hope i'll change even more for the better. reading the bible and talking to Him is comforting...

i wanted to just go straight up to them and ask them why they've said that. knowing if i did that, one would go blubbering in fear and the other will pick a fight. i guess my curiosity got the better of me during breakfast... i shud forget it. but knowing me, i'll still be gnawing on it for some time.

nu year '08

my very first hour of 2008, was spent with my dear friends - Olivia,Tyler, and Ronald! hahah! at that moment, i was driving like a mad woman in a toyota Hi-Lux down the highway to Sutera Harbour! hahaha! we wind down the windows and yelled Happy New Year! to passer-bys and honk along with other cars stuck in the traffic jam! FUN! heehee! suppose to meet wit others but lines got bz... so lost them! arghhh~

met up with Wing and decided to have a drink at the beach but... was stuck in another massive traffic jam so changed the venue to Lintas! there we met our seniors... they're reli cute, funny...sumwad crazy as well... EVERYWHERE was filled with humans...no shop was empty and just in the nick of time, Ron gets through the busy network and spoke to the rest of our friends... which we lost in the traffic and when the lines got too busy. they're playing fireworks!? I WANNA SEE! I WANNA SEE! so we abandoned the seniors and drove off to the stadium!

i love watching fireworks... just the fun and the sound. Yizhi,Ying,Hin and Loong were already there... just then... loong and ronald gave me a shock with some of the handheld firework... came too close to me so... i felt a bit scared la (yes... i'm in denial)...they came EVEN closer...and i RAN. i think Ronald thought it was funny, gave chase and i freaked out. ran as fast as i could. the fello continued chasing, laughing! sad to say, i was screeching(for help and telling him to stop) and running mad. i locked myself in the car and Yi Zhi joined me soon after. then i parked the car abit closer, after Ronald persuaded me to get over the fear of handheld fireworks. gotta admit.. it wasnt too bad, even if u do get burnt from a spark or two. heehee! so yea... am very thankful to him.hey! i'm not too scared about it anymore! muahaha!

sang songs with Olivia and Tyler behind my car, the other four sat inside Loong's car while Ronald seemed to be reli happy going to and fro our two cars in the stadium car park. had fun on top of the car, laughing at stories of noti childhood. then we all decided to go back Lintas fer more drinks at 3am. had noodles (panmien) and chitchat till 4am. wanted to go watch the sunrise but realised.... where does the sun rise???

having considerate friends, they decided to take Loong's car home cuz they think i'm sleepy and left me to take only Tyler back. AWWWW.... but the more tired and drained driver seemed to be Loong who was sneezing and red-eyed... o wells~ their choice, their life~! muahahha! jkjk!